Monday, December 24, 2012

A Change in the Blurbs - Walking Through Hellfire

I'm revising this blurb as I write this, so I hope you, and agents, like the new query for Walking Through Hellfire - (possibly renaming this Seduced in Hellfire, what do you think?)

Here's the original blurb, written while the book was still being written.

Walking Through Hellfire, a 90,000 word historical romance set in England, 1795.
The Lords of Mann, a secret society filled with decadence and intrigue, is no place for an ordinary chambermaid.

After her mother's indecent past, Emilia is terrified of being wicked. When the insidious lord who runs the society forces Emilia to take the guise of a loose woman to pass messages within the club, she is desperate to safeguard her heart. She promises herself she will secure the delicate flesh within a cage, but her first partner, the frustrating and invigorating Luke, might just break the lock.

 Espionage and power fire Luke's blood, but they can never make up for what he lost when his loving father died, and his brother disowned him. His uncle's will has the ability to change everything. Just a few more months and he will have the money he needs to restore his respect without losing his soul along the way. His newest associate, Emilia, brings beauty and innocence into a place that has forgotten it, but she's also a threat to all that he has been working for. He desperately battles the changes she brings to his world, but he soon realizes he's fighting against the very thing that gives him life, his heart.

Now I will begin to revise.

Here is the guide I posted, which I will use to begin my blurb alterations. I'm leaving out several side plots which, though important to the characters, are not as important to the overall love story. It try to concentrate on the romance when I polish my blurbs.

1-2 sentences about the hero. Include Goals/Motivation/Conflict.

Lucas Shaw, a messenger in the Lords of Mann, needs funds. Without his uncle's inheritance, he won't be able to regain his place within the society that has abandoned him.

1-2 sentences about the heroine. Include GMC

Emilia Marley is being forced to work as a messenger—in the guise of a harlot. She is desperate to protect her heart from the shame and excitement of the dangerous position, and to free herself from the unwanted position.

1-2 sentences about what makes the story unique and what is the conflict in the story.
Things go wrong inside the society. The ordinary maid and the disowned second son take on some of the most influential lords in society, but the battle might destroy everything they hold dear.

Now I'm going to combine the two and add some more of my voice in the hopes of making the blurb the best it can be.

Walking Through Hellfire is a 90,000 word historical romance set in 1795 England, a decadent time when secret societies like the Illuminati, the Ancient Order of Foresters, and the Lords of Mann were formed.
An ordinary maid
An insidious lord forces Emilia Marley to pass messages under the guise of a harlot. Desperate to free herself from the shame and unwanted excitement of the dangerous position, she attempts to hide her heart away in a cage. In spite of everything, her first partner, the frustrating and invigorating Luke, might well break the lock. 
A disowned second son
Respect and power fire Lucas Shaw's blood, but no amount of power or respect could compensate for the loss of a loving father and a place in society. His uncle's inheritance will help Luke regain some of what he has lost, provided he can avoid distractions and use his position as a messenger within the Lords of Mann to earn the funds required to inherit. 
A love worth fighting for
After a dreadful mistake, they must battle some of the society's most influential lords, but if they cannot embrace the changes to their hearts, this war might destroy everything they hold dear.

There are things I like about each one, and things I think need improving in each as well. What do you think of the blurbs? Do you like the original or the new one?Are there any tricks you use when you write a blurb?

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